Only when I’m Angry

by Rayla

Apparently, I write only when I’m pissed off or frustrated. It’s like I have no motivation or inspiration when things are going well. That sucks. Or maybe I’m not trying hard enough? I feel like my best work comes out when I’m angry. It’s like magic; I become enlightened and the most perfect words flow out of my finger tips as I type. All of my thoughts and feelings fill the page and then I feel better. Why can’t that happen every time I try to write? Instead, my brain gets bogged down with empty. Thick, heavy empty takes the place of thought.

Even when I was in school the only time I wrote was when someone told me. Whether for a class assignment or an activity, I could come up with the most wild stories. My best work comes from when I was in high school. Poetry has never been my thing, but I was able to create my own collection in college. The pressure of a deadline and good grades helped me write. I don’t have that anymore. My boyfriend has tried to help by giving me a deadline and consequences, but that never worked.

I need that feeling of urgency or maybe I’m not pushing myself hard enough. Well clearly I’m not doing that. I fell out of love with writing. After all these years of not trying and telling myself I’ve lost the talent, it’s hard to get back into the swing of things. I have to get over the myth that writers are inspired by everything all the time, but I also don’t want to lose my focus.

I guess I have to try something different.